It’s late morning here in Thailand and I’m finally sitting down to write this post. After starting this blog 6 years ago, I’ve rarely taken time off from posting, mainly because of how much I enjoy this space and the creative outlet it provides. Yet last month I went silent. It wasn’t a planned break. It was more of a forced-upon-me-by-life-circumstances break. And it was so needed.
I’ve actually been amazed at how much I’ve been able to blog this past year despite how crazy life has been. I can’t share all the nitty-gritty details, but Brett, Harper and I have basically lived like nomads the past year and a half. It all started in November of 2018 when Brett and I returned to America in preparation to have Harper in our home country. Since then we’ve either been living with family or in hotels, traveling from one state or country to the next, and constantly readjusting to new living environments. We’ve had to pack and re-pack too many times to count and let me tell you, living out of suitcases gets old quick. Oh and lets not forget that I became a first-time mom last year, so you can tack on the stresses (and joys!) that that brings as well.
Yeah. It’s been a hard year and a half. Things out of our control have forced us into a nomadic lifestyle, when what I really desire is a home, stability and routine, especially as a new mom. Brett is quite the stats guy and he did the math to discover that out of the last 545 days, only 45 of those days were spent in a place where we call home. 400 of those nights were spent in 15 different family’s houses and 100 nights were spent in 25 different hotels.
That leads me to January. Since our “nomadic lifestyle” began back in November of 2018, I’ve been able to take things in stride, adjusting and readjusting to each new living environment as needed. I have an adaptable personality and generally love traveling so it didn’t seem too bad at first. I also genuinely loved all the family time we were getting after 2 years of living in China. Life was hard at times and not as expected, but I still felt like my usual, joyful self. But after months and months of not having our own space, things started to get harder. At the start of the new year I found myself having a breakdown whenever we would “unpack” in a new place. It felt good to feel semi-settled, but knowing that it was only for a short time would bring a wave of sadness over me. Soon these bouts of sadness got closer and closer together and I found the emotions that came with those breakdowns start to trickle into my everyday life. No longer was my sadness confined to a moment of grief over packing and unpacking, it was now penetrating the mundane parts of my day that used to bring me joy. I no longer felt like experimenting in the kitchen. I no longer had energy to take food photos. I didn’t want to socialize with people I love. Playing with Harper turned into more of a chore than a gift. I physically had no energy to workout or be active. Life had lost it’s spark.
Thankfully throughout this entire year and a half, I’ve been able to talk to Brett about everything going on. Even when the signs of sadness and depression were subtle, I could share with him how I was doing. This openness and vulnerability with Brett allowed us to act quickly when the signs of depression became more clear and closer together. I’m so grateful for that!
To be honest, writing this post feels like I writing out someone else’s story. It seems like ages ago that I was at my lowest point, when it was really only just last month. I believe that being open with Brett and seeking help as soon as possible is what spared me from plummeting into a deeper depression and has helped me to start healing so quickly.
So that leads me to now. Things aren’t fully back to normal, that’s for sure. I still experience really hard spells where I’m forced to ask for help as I feel physically unable to do much. But those spells are getting shorter and farther apart. I feel like I’m on the upswing. One of the biggest reasons for that is that we have a house to ourselves for the next 5 months. We are subleasing a friend’s house in Chiang Mai while we figure out where to move and settle down next. Being unpacked and settled in a house has been a game changer. It feels like home as we are no longer living out of suitcases and have settled into a routine. The neighborhood we are living in is super kid-friendly as well with a park nearby, streets to walk on and lots of other young moms to meet and interact with. We have community here too and I’ll be starting counseling next month as well (we wish it could have been sooner, but that was when the next available opening was.)
Another big thing that has helped the healing process is learning to rest and take care of myself. The first friend/counselor we talked with gave me homework to do until I could officially start seeing a counselor. He told me to do something every morning and afternoon that used to bring me joy. This homework made me realize how little I let myself rest and often do what I think I should do versus doing what I want to do. Yes, I have non-negotiable responsibilities that I need to perform each day, but I’ve realized that so many things I do during the day aren’t necessary and may be causing me more stress than joy in this season of life. I guess you could call it self-inflicted busyness–which is so often praised in our culture. In a good way, my depression has literally forced me to rest more. To sit on the couch and look at a magazine. To ask Brett to take Harper on a walk so I can have some uninterrupted time to myself. To eat out instead of spending lots of time in the kitchen. Learning how to rest has honestly been a gift and I hope to continue creating space for rest in the future.
This post may seem random or out of the blue to many of you, but I really wanted to share what’s been going on personally in my life. Life has been hard lately and I didn’t want to keep blogging about food as if everything was fine and dandy. I want to be open with you all. Also know that I’m doing okay. I’m feeling more like myself each day and I have lots of good help and community nearby. Yet, even though I’m already feeling much better, I still wanted to write this post to acknowledge how hard life has been and to allow space to grieve the losses I’ve experienced this past year.
I hope you all know how loved you are. I hope you have safe friends and family who you can confide in when you go through hard seasons.
Thanks for being here and following along on my journey! Now let’s get back in the kitchen!
P. says
Well, I’m a bit late, but welcome to Chiang Mai, I adopted it as my home city when I landed there at the age of 22 after ten years of moving around with my family. It was so welcoming, warm and just NICE, and it fast became a place where I seek spiritual refuge in whenever I feel a bit unsettled and can’t fit back into Singapore. I hope the city will do for you what it did for me all those years ago. If you love fairy tales, there’s a charming cafe called Into the Woods near Chang Phuak gate which is very cute. The food is nothing to scream about but the cafe is adorable, there’s even a wardrobe which you walk into to get to the bathroom. Have a good stay and I hope you feel better soon!!
Eman says
“I no longer felt like experimenting in the kitchen. I no longer had energy to take food photos. I didn’t want to socialize with people I love. I physically had no energy to workout or be active. Life had lost it’s spark.”
This is exactly what I feel last few months and especially last few weeks! it’s so hard to feel that way 🙁 everything is being hard to do and no energy to do anything. hope you get better soon.
Faith says
I’m so sorry to hear that Emma! I hope you are seeking out help and letting people into the pain!
Arlene says
First I’m so glad you seeked help. I always wondered how you did this (what Brad did for a living all this moving). I could never do what you do (I admit it lol). Your a lot stronger than you think but we all have that breaking point. I’ve been following you for a long time I love your Blog (and watching Harper grow). Sending you good healthy vibs and Prayers, get well soon.
Faith says
Thank you so much Arlene! I’m so glad I sought out help too…and I’m so thankful that I have so many people around me who I feel safe to open up to. They really are what made the hardest season pass quickly! Thank you so much for reading and following along!
Cayce says
So happy to hear that you’re doing better now, Faith! Depression is so difficult and having loving people around you to help you through it is such a blessing. I appreciate your blog and instagram posts so much so keep up the great work as you’re able to!
Faith says
Thank you so much Cayce! And you’re so right. The people in my life are truly who made the worst season of my depression so quick and bearable. Thank you for reading and following along!
Marie says
Thank you for being open and honest.Although it is difficult to relate, I can understand that it must have been hard not having av place to call “home” for such a long time. And I am glad to hear that you now manage to care better for yourself, and hope that you continue to do so. Rest and “me-time” is important.
Looking forward to keep following your journey, – I love the work that you do with this blog !
Faith says
I’m sure it’s hard for lots of people to relate to our crazy life haha! It’s definitely not normal or for everyone. But yes, everyone can relate to wanting a place to call home. Thank you for reading and following along Marie!
Giovonne says
I love how open and raw this post is. Thank you for sharing and realizing you aren’t alone!! I can’t imagine living the last year like you have, and you have handled it amazingly. One day at at time, and you’ll be through this before you know it!
Faith says
Thank you so much Giovonne for your kind and thoughtful comment. I so appreciate having a safe place to share what’s been going on lately. Thanks for reading and following along!
Betty says
So glad to hear things are getting better for you — we moved a lot when I was growing up (8 schools from K-12) and our dad was not military…in those days if you wanted a promotion, or even to keep your job, you took the transfer. Would that it could have worked out differently as I can see now that it took a heavy toll on all of us. And no one noticed anything. I’m so thankful that depressions, even transitory ones, are recognized now and that there is help. Take good care and God bless all of you.
Faith says
I bet that was so hard as a kid Betty! I really hope for Harper’s sake we can give her some stability soon. I’m thankfully she was so young this past year and didn’t really pick up on all the transition she went through. I hope you’re able to work through some of those things that you discovered from your transient childhood. Thanks so much for sharing and commenting!
Wayne says
I’m not being the least bit critical when I ask this, but why have you been so nomadic? I do follow most of your writings, but perhaps I’ve missed some key information along the way. Is it a desire to see the world? I recognize the thrill of new places and opportunities, but also the drawbacks of a vagabond life. That said, I also wish I’d travelled more when I was younger. I think it would have given me a much better sense of what I should do in life. I was never brave enough to do what you’ve done.
You did a great job of addressing depression. You felt the changes in you, and took proactive steps. It’s really hard to find the courage to do that. I remember my bout of depression, and having to push myself to address the situation. Everything seemed like a tremendous effort. It’s great you could talk it out. I know my sense of perfectionism has not always been an ally in staying balanced and happy, so I think letting go of some things is a very smart move.
I’ve always admired your sense of adventure and your promotion of a healthy diet.
All the best to you.
Wayne
Faith says
Hi Wayne! Thanks for your comments and I totally understand your questions/curiosity. You didn’t miss anything, I just haven’t been able to share all the details as to why we travel so much. It’s mainly due to the nature of our jobs and being on tourist visas currently. We both love to travel and before Harper was born we wanted to make the most of our pre-kid days and see a lot of the world…which we did and it was great! We are definitely ready for a slower-paced life and that should be just around the corner. We still plan to travel once we decided where to live long-term, but definitely not as much as this year has forced us to. I’m looking forward to these few months in Thailand and to counseling though. It should help us enter into the next season in a much better head space! Thanks for reading and commenting!
Erin says
I’ve always been curious as to what careers you and Brett are involved in given all the international travel/living you do. Whatever it is, the fact that it has caused you to move so much over a short period of time sounds extremely stressful. Thank you for sharing what you have been going through as it makes you so much more relatable on a different level from the food you share. I hope you are getting the help you need; definitely take all the time you need to get well!
Faith says
I’m glad to hear that my sharing makes me more relatable…that’s what I want! It was so good for me to write and publish that post. Like I said in the post, I already feel like such a different person than when I was at my worst and I’m so grateful for that. The fact that I want to blog again is huge and it’s great to be back. Thanks Erin!